My last Stupid Vehicles post from 2006 still garners a fair bit of traffic (and has resulted in a few nasty emails from dedicated Ford Escape owners), so I figured I’d follow up with my top-10 list of stupid vehicles for 2008 - complete with my sarcastic, acerbic commentary you know and love.

1. Cadillac.  I don’t normally give the stupid award to an entire brand, but they deserve it.  Let’s briefly look at the offerings:

• The EXT.  A Chevy Avalanche starts at $34,335.  The EXT starts at $58,465.  It’s the same truck, but for an extra $24,130 you get the “bling” factor of America’s most repulsive, garish brand name on the radiator grille.  And who the hell buys a Cadillac truck, anyways?  Don’t want to rough it in the back 40 with cloth seats?
• The ESV.  I think there’s a special spot in hell for Cadillac SUV owners, and those who pick the ESV over the equally-ugly-and-no-more-practical Escalade get priority on the bus ride to purgatory.  What better to scream “I’m a rich bastard who enjoys conspicuous consumption” than this 7200 pound, 18′ 6.4″ long monstrosity.
• The Escalade.  It was on my original stupid vehicle list, and maintains its title for all the same reasons.  Rappers and wannabe gangstas take a lesson from the Liberace school of refined style in this particular offering.
• The SRX.  This baffling vehicle suffers from the same identity crises as most other crossovers.  Big and bulky on paved roads and about as off-road worthy as a pair of roller skates, the SRX is about as unremarkable as … well, pretty much everything else from Cadillac’s stables.
• The XLR.  “I wanna be a Mercedes SL so badly”.  Something tells me they aren’t feeling much fear in Stuttgart.
• The DTS.  Your grandfather’s Cadillac.  The same car you’ll see for sale on the side of the road in 6 years for less residual resale value than a rusted out Korean econobox.
• The CTS.  Your mom’s Cadillac.  Trying so hard to compete, and still looking like it was styled by Lego.
• The STS.  This is the successor to the Seville - that magnificent Cadillac that creepy, self-assured guys drove who thought they were God’s gift to women.  Still cheesy, still tacky and still delightfully laughable to the rest of the automotive world.

But enough of Cadillac; I’m sure the bit above will garner plenty of hate mail.  Let’s get back to the list.

2.  Mercedes Benz GL550.  OK, so I admit to having an irrational love with most things Merc … but this one just baffles me.  From the Escalade school of excess and grotesque proportions comes the GL550; another vehicle destined never to see anything more offroad than parking on the lawn.  I can almost live with the ML320; it’s a piddly-lame little thing of an SUV (with remarkably un-Mercedes like ergonomics), but the GL confounds me.

3.  Scion Xd.  What - a Toyota economy car in the dumb vehicle list?  Now, I give Toyota props for producing phenomenally reliable, efficient vehicles, and I’m sure the Xd is just as capable of a performer as the other X-series Scions.  My beef here isn’t actually with the car; it’s the stupid high-school-kid advertising and hype around it.  I ain’t buying a Scion because I want to be the pinnacle of automotive styling and performance; I’m buying it because it’s a cheap car - and no glittery paint job, no set of low-profile tires and no window tinting will make it anything but a cheap car with a bunch of tacked-on junk.  So please - leave the gaudy accessories to Cadillac.

4.  Volkswagen Rabbit.  My regular readers will think I’ve lost my cork on this one.  A Volkswagen on the dumb-vehicle list, from the original Volkswagen man himself?  Let me explain.  Many years ago, Volkswagen turned the world on its edge with a little car called the Rabbit (for the non-North Americans reading, it was originally the Golf).  This was back in the 70’s, when Detroit reigned supreme with huge-ass cars, and gas was starting to go up in price.  The Rabbit proved that little cars could be good cars, and Volkswagen has done a remarkable job of keeping the Rabbit / Golf equation in check.  But the latest iteration leaves me feeling cold; the base Rabbit ships with a rather lackluster 5 cylinder engine that won’t win any races (a remarkably pedestrian 0-60 in 7.8 seconds) and won’t leave you bragging like you did with your old Golf Diesel (22/30 MPG).  It’s a pretty car, yes, and it handles well, but it’s not as sharply delineated from the competition as it used to be.  All in all, it’s an unremarkable car from a company that’s capable of a lot more.

5.  Ford Flex.  From the Scion Xb school of styling comes the Ford Flex.  I’m not sure what Ford was trying to do with this, but it’s not cheap (starting at over $27,000), and it looks big.  The advertising makes me cringe, though - here’s a bit about the chrome rims: “Nine spokes of polished aluminum can say a lot about a person.  We’re thinking words like confidant.  Good taste.  Attention getter.  (Feel free to jump in at any time and start free-associating.)  Slick.  Attitude.  High roller.  Anyways, they’ll definitely say a lot about you.”  I don’t know about you, but I don’t know many high rollers pimping it in their Ford Flex.  Looks like another mommy-taxi-cum-wanna-be-off-roader to me.

6. Buick Enclave.  Taking shots at Buick is like teasing the retarded kid in class … it’s almost too easy.  From Buick’s own literature: “… the visceral allure of an enticing machine.”  I don’t know how enticing a pimped-up Saturn Outlook is, but I know that the Enclave seems about as visceral as Chinese calculus.

7. Pontiac is CAR.  I’ve been kind of rough on GM in this list, and I’m not going to single out any one Pontiac - but I will single out their new slogan.  “Pontiac is CAR”?  I close my eyes and imagine hundreds of guys with gold chains and tight jeans waving clubs and tire irons in the air as they chant this visceral mantra.  Now, I’m going to let the brain trust at GM in on a little secret: most of us know that Pontiac is CAR.

8. Dodge Hemi.  Quick - without looking on Google or Wikipedia - what does hemispherical mean?  If your mind is drawing a blank (and instead thinking of those cool Hemi badges on the back of some Dodge vehicles), you’re in good company - most people don’t know a darned thing about what a Hemi actually is.  These days, bragging about a hemispherical head is a bit like bragging about having spark plugs, since most engines these days have hemispherical heads.  So please, Dodge - lay off the Hemi stuff.  It’s just not cool anymore.

9.  Jaguar XJ.  A few days ago, an old 1970’s Jaguar V12 sedan passed me, and it struck me how mundane Jaguars of late have become.  Jaguar was the epitome of British class and style for so many years; now, I could easily mistake it for any other mid-sized luxury car out there.  And what the hell is up with the fuel door, anyways?  I thought Jaguars were supposed to have two fuel filler caps just in front of the trunk?  It’s this sort of disrespect for heritage that irks me.  Hopefully Tata Motors can un-screw-up Ford’s whitewash job on a once-grand marque.

10. Hummer.  Once upon a time, a little company called Hummer produced an amazing off-road vehicle that was built the way off-road vehicles should be.  It drove like a tank (thanks, in no small part, to its close association with the military), it was not comfortable, and it was virtually indestructible.  A few years later, Hummer is turning out the H2 and the H3 - veritable junk for the prissy masses.  Or - penis envy for those who don’t want Cadillac’s shiny opulence.

Enjoy!

• Went to the gym on Saturday and did about two hours of climbing.  I was still pretty sore from climbing on Thursday and Friday so I stuck to the “easy” walls and the bouldering cave.  I also bought a book on climbing so I can start to figure out the “right” way to do this.
• Decided to paint the house myself.  I was going to hire a friend of mine to paint that inside, but she has a full plate with school and work and won’t be able to do it.  So fuck it - I’ll just go to Lowe’s myself and buy all the shit I need.  I’ll put the money I save towards one of those new sexy iMacs.
• Carolyn came by the house and picked up the last bits of her stuff.  It’s funny how we managed to divide up thousands of dollars of furniture in a matter of minutes, but we poured over DVD’s and CD’s for well over an hour.  But - it went well, and I even made her some food while she was “visiting” (is it visiting when you come to a house that you own but don’t live in anymore?)
• Carolyn brought Muskoka with her, and it was *great* to see him.  He was very happy to see his daddy, and we spent some time play fighting and wrestling.
• I gave Sydney a lot of attention this weekend, and maybe gave her one or two too many “bickies” for being a good girl.  She’s been a real trooper throughout this separation, and she’s given me a lot of reasons to keep my chin up and my head high.
• I decided that what I really need is a Volkswagen Eurovan camper.  I want to circumnavigate North America next spring - and wouldn’t it be way cool for me and Sydney to do that in a Volkswagen camper?  I just need to drum up the $20,000 that these things go for used.

For the first time in over a decade, I’m not a Volkswagen owner.

We bought a Honda Fit for my wife last February, and put the GTI on a consignment lot. It sold today, and I’m left with a little hole in my heart after abandoning a marque I’ve been with for so long.

My first VW was a ‘90 Golf Diesel. It was speeding-ticket-proof, with its 52 horsepower mill that churned and ground out over 400,000 kilometres before it went on to its next owner.

My next VW was an ‘86 Scirocco. This was my first “true love” - I painted the car a svelte shade of deep silver, and tuned the engine with all sorts of go-fast goodies (for the nerd readers, this included a 290/448 cam, a port-and-polished head, a single-throat Weber throttle body with a port-matched intake, a full cat-less Supersprint header, adjustable cam gear, Boge Turbo struts with H&R springs, front and rear strut braces, and a mean set of Good Year Eagle NCT/2 tires on 14″ 7-spoke rims). Truth be told, the car wasn’t *that* fast, but it sure put a lot of smiles on my face.

I also picked up an ‘81 Scirocco during this time. I wish I still had it - that would have made a perfect rat-rod.

Another car that found its way into my driveway was an ‘84 Rabbit GTI. This is another car I wish I still had; it even had the faux-wood dashboard and plaid seats.

Next car was a ‘97 Golf. This was my first experience with financing a car, and that Golf gave us many, many good miles of service. It’s the car we took with us to Alberta, and it’s the car we tried to take with us to North Carolina. (I’ll save that tale for another blog post)

Last was the GTI. This represented something of an apex for our Volkswagen ownership. We didn’t hold back with this car; it had power-everything, heated leather seats, and that magnificent 180 horsepower turbocharged engine that spanked a lot of cars at the stoplight. The only time this car left us stranded was because of a coil recall, and it didn’t even leave me “in the cold” - it limped its way to the dealer and was promptly fixed.

Alas, the remnants of the VW’s are still around me. I bought the service manuals for every Volkswagen I have ever owned (and a few I didn’t own), and they’re still on my bookshelf. The grease stains from changing the clutch in my Scirocco are still there, as are the notes we made on the inside cover of the manual for the old Golf Diesel.

I still have the Volkswagen hubcap clock that my wife bought me a few years ago.

The odd tools that do-it-yourself Volkswagen mechanics collect are still in my toolbox. This includes the huge allen-key wrench for the transmission, the amp gauge for testing the glowplug draw, and a Momo steering wheel adapter from my old Scirocco.

In fact, I even have the emblem for my Scirocco from the paint job … I chose to “de-badge” that car for the “stealth” look. I never did have the heart to toss that plastic emblem out.

In 1995 I got my first Volkswagen. It was a hand-me-down Golf Diesel that served my father well for over 250,000 km. I put over 150,000 km on it before parting company with it in 1998. That was just the start, though … the next car in my life was a silver Scirocco that really fueled my love for coupes. In two years I had all sorts of trick parts on that car; VW affectionada will appreciate the 290/448 cam, the single-throat Weber throttle body, the SuperSprint header, the port-and-polished head, the Boge suspension with upper and lower strut tower bars, the Momo steering wheel and shift knob, the Audi 5000 centre-console gauge cluster, blah, blah blah.

I picked up another Scirocco around this time (an ‘81), and also had a Rabbit GTI for a bit. We also bought a green ‘97 Gold in 1999, but were forced to sell it when we moved to North Carolina in 2001.

Not to be outdone, we bought our “dream car” early in 2002 - a silver GTI with the 1.8T engine. It had black leather, a 5-speed stick shift, in-dash CD, and every other toy it could be festooned with.

And wow - what a car. It served us well as a daily commute car for over 5 years. Other than the engine coil and window regulator recalls, it’s given us very few problems in the 105,000+ miles we have owned it.

Alas, it’s been replaced with the Honda Fit, and for the first time we’re about to be Volkswagen-less.

In a way, I have been looking forward to a change for a while now. I’ve owned at least one car from the Mark 1, Mark 2, Mark 3 and Mark 4 generation of water-cooled VW’s, and I was just ready for a change.

I still love VW’s, but the new Mark 5’s just didn’t do it for me. I’m sure they’re fantastic cars, but it was just time for something new.

The GTI will go up for sale later this week. I’m gonna miss it, but I’m sure it’ll get a good new home with someone that will let its turbo spin free.