absent.canadian

As many of you know, I’m on the final leg of a divorce after a 9 year marriage.  And while I’m still adjusting to the new reality (oddities like the term “ex-wife”, for instance), I’ve spent enough time reflecting to offer some observations and thoughts about marriage.  Thoughts I hope may help some other people along in their own relationships.

A lunchtime conversation about this with a friend brought a realization to the front of my mind; something that had been buried deep down for a long, long time.  I was extolling the virtues of my marriage counselor to her, and she mentioned to me that she’s got quite a collection of marriage books at home.  Her husband’s initial response to this interest in reading about marriage was concern and panic, but her calm observation put this into the perfect perspective.  “Honey, we have books about financial planning and parenting and all sorts of other things.  We’re married – why shouldn’t we have books on marriage?”  “But there’s nothing wrong with our marriage, is there?”, he asked with grave concern.  “No, there isn’t.  And I want to keep it that way.”  And she’s bang on the money.

The pearl of wisdom instantly became clear to me: we put more energy into researching car purchases and mortgages than we do into what may be the most important relationship in our life.  We think nothing about pouring over books, magazines and brochures to pick the right car; why shouldn’t we spend some time and learn about relationships and marriages?

Hence, my first piece of advice:

Read the rest of this entry »

… is paved with good intentions.  Or something like that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  Not because of the demise of my marriage, mind you, but because I’ve been thinking a lot about how my next relationship will be constructed.

Yes, I said constructed.

It’s struck me that most relationships evolve by happenstance.  It’s also true that the first steps in courting are highly ritualized and almost completely uncharacteristic of the people actually involved.

And there’s nothing wrong with the work that goes into a date.  OF COUSE we’re going to make good impressions when we go to that much effort to make one evening a success.

Read the rest of this entry »