I have decided to open up a new business.  It will be called “Helms BBQ Consultancy” and it will give advice on opening a new BBQ restaurant establishment.

My first whitepaper will discuss the following fine points of BBQ:

• The decor in a BBQ restaurant must focus on ceramic and plastic pig statues, hunting knives and leather sheaths mounted in picture frames, old coffee tins, Harley Davidson memorabilia and old handheld farm tools.
• Menus must be no longer than one page.  Truly great establishments can fit their menu on an index card.
• Dishes shall be made of plastic or ozone-destroying Styrofoam.
• “Tea” means sweet iced tea.  Period.
• Waitresses shall refer to all patrons as “sugar”, “honey” or “sweet pea”.
• The only exception to the above rule is the one angry teenaged waitress, who will dye her hair black and have a nosering.  When she’s not waiting on customers she will sit in the back, chain smoke, and chronically complain about her boyfriend.
• The owner will be a large man who hugs regulars as they come in and gruffly asks you how your meal is periodically.  He will also read the classified section of the newspaper to patrons, asking if they are looking for a deal on a such-and-such …
• If the restaurant will have its own BBQ or hot sauce for sale, the bottle will not have an ingredient list or nutritional information.  It will be delicious, and you won’t care if it’s killing you.
• The “chef” will be the smartest man in the place.  He will patiently listen to the waitresses complain about their husbands, the owner bitching about the rising cost of diesel and the customers complaining about whatever problems they’re dealing with.  He won’t offer any advice, though; he’ll simply make sure they have a delicious meal with a wink and a nod.
• The restaurant will have an old-fashioned lunch counter.  The stools will be bolted to the floor, and will have round vinyl cushions.  The countertop will be made of white linoleum with gold sparkles in it.  Each place setting will have a chrome napkin dispenser, salt and pepper shakers, ketchup, BBQ sauce and hot sauce.
• The patina of age that these restaurants acquire will include family photos of the owner.  These will include pictures of the owner’s cousin’s family from Connecticut (mom, dad and the three kids wearing matching sweaters, posing around the family minivan), his brother (in full black leathers, riding a Goldwing trike with a POW flag on the back), various school photos of nieces and nephews (try to include a few shots from the 1970’s - these are delightfully tacky and embarrassing), and a glamor-shot of the owner’s mother (they still haven’t figured out how to tell mom that she needs to shave her face.  Daily.)