August 4th, 2008
Back?
It’s been almost two months since I’ve blogged here. In four years that’s a record hiatus – but it happened for some good reasons.
One of the things most bloggers struggle with is the constant idea of reinvention. Stagnation is the antithesis of any blog, and in June I felt like I had reached that point.
Sure, lots of things have happened since then. Lots of things remain the same. And I’m still working on my new approach for this blog … but I also miss having this outlet for my daily going-ons.
For instance: I bought myself a Honda scooter two weeks ago. It’s an industrious little machine that whisks me around at a whopping 35 mph. I have also averaged 95 mpg over my past three tanks of gas, which makes my weekly commute to work cost about $4 (the same commute in my Mercedes would run me almost $20). There’s a lot to talk about with the scooter – the funny looks I get from people, tips about defensive scooter driving, and fielding the ever-present question about whether I’ve been convicted of a DUI (no, I haven’t – driving a scooter is a conscious choice I’ve made). There’s also a deeper level to it – the insecurity that this little scooter inspires. People immediately get defensive and talk about how they could never fit a scooter in their life, or how they would feel way too “at risk”. It doesn’t really reflect a significant concern as much as it shows how insecure we are as a people, and how we project animosity onto people who go against the flow.
The scooter is perhaps reflective of some deeper things going on inside of me. My “regulars” will recall that I’ve been separated from my wife for almost 11 months now. As with the scooter, there’s a natural tendency to simplify, subvert and mask the real going-ons under the surface with something this emotionally complex and gut-wrenching. And part of the reason I stopped blogging for a bit was because I was entering the most stressful, complicated and trying part of this separation.
I’m starting to understand that people go through at least three stages in separation. As the “dumped”, the first thing I struggled with was reconciling the marriage. I tried extremely hard; long-winded conversations about how much I loved Carolyn and all the good times we had, flowers, and everything else you can imagine to woo her back.
The second stage was reconciling the friendship. The peril here is the motive; there’s always the idea that if we reconcile the friendship, we may be able to reconcile the marriage at some later point. And if that doesn’t happen, it’s still better to have the friendship, right? This went fine for a while, and we enjoyed many afternoons together working through the details of being together as friends.
This second stage capitulated spectacularly – and thus began the third stage: anger, resentment and reconciling the possible lost of friendship. In the throws of trying to woo her back, I never gave myself a chance to work through my own emotional complexities, including tremendous feelings of anger, betrayal and mistrust.
It’s only when we acknowledge ALL of these possibilities (reconciling the marriage, being friends or being nothing at all) that we can move forward in a separation, towards a space of clarity and thoughtful decision making.
It’s been a long road, and it’s taught me a lot about myself. I’m far from being out of the woods, but I’m one step closer to putting my own life back together, and I’m thankful for that.
Welcome back to the blogging world!
Finally, you post again. I was seriously considering hi-jacking your blog and putting up a petition.
Scooters are all the rage here. Our neighbors are buying them and you even see business men on them. It’s perfect for the gas crisis and I wish we had a pair too!
Welcome back to YOUR LIFE! Good for you.
p.s. that is one sexy little bike!
Yay! You’re back. Sorry we didn’t get to chat at that blogger bash. Lunch is still a must. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the scooter by the way. So jealous!!!!!!!
I’m glad to see you back, if only temporary. This was a very insightful post and I hope you can find blogging about this part of your life as a sort of therapy and outlet. Not that it’s any of our business but people all over could relate to you and you might find healing. Also, as humans, we are all voyeurs and enjoy reading about other people’s lives… but in this case, it would be to help you through it and to watch reality unfold in real time, instead of reading left and right-winged politics and insanely stupid reality shows. This IS real life, right here.
Congrats on your scooter too:)
Hi there! I saw you have a website and here I am. Seriously miss poetry class! Shakespeare has two days left (plus the final) and I’m free at last. Where did you get your scooter? I have been thinking of getting one myself.
Sherry
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