It was a hot, sweltering drive home from work tonight; one of the few where I might have actually chosen to be in my air-conditioned car. As I waited for red light after red light, it gave me a chance to think about the vehicles people choose.

Without further adieu, here’s my commentary on the silly vehicles that people purchase.

1. Ford Escape: What is with the Escape? It’s built on the Ford Contour chassis - a thoroughly unremarkable and forgettable car. The Escape has the off-road capability of a Porsche 911, and the shitty driving dynamics of every other SUV. It ges bad gas mileage (even the hybrid makes pretty dismal mileage), got some pretty bad safety reviews, and in short - does nothing well. Is it chaep? Please, Escape owners, tell me what could have possibly attracted you to this thing?

2. Ford Mustang: I promise, I’m not picking intentionally on Fords … but the Mustang? The style and charm of a Chevy Cavalier, and the lumpiest collection of engines this side of John Deere. The Mustang only looks good parked in front of 60’s diners in those cheesy LED-illuminated framed pictures you see at flea markets.

3. Cadillac Escalade: I particularly like the dark tinting on these monstrosities; it (almost) hides the baby-seat in the back. But seriously - can you see through the tinted glass well enough to see the rest of the civilized world laughing at you? It’s a Chevy truck with $30,000 of CRAP tacked on, and it looks every bit the part.

4. Pontiac Grand Prix: Another one of those do-nothing-well vehicles. They have the same worbling sound that our old Evinrude V-4 made at mid-throttle. The GP always strikes me as the ultimate compromise vehicle: “my wife wanted me to buy a nice safe Impala, and I wanted a Corvette”. And they *always* look bad after about four years - door trim falling off, a big crack in the huge plastic bumper, and fading paint.

5. Porsche Cheyenne: It’s not fair to pick only on the domestic cars (even though it’s SO easy). But seriously - who the hell goes into a Porsche dealership, falls in love with a 911, and then decides that they need something a *little* more off-road? I’m sure the Porsche Cheyenne is blindingly fast, and I bet it handles better than most SUV’s. Still - a Porsche SUV? Better than an Escalade, I grant you, but not by much.

6. Any cheap import (Honda Civic, Toyota Corolla, etc) with little spoked roller-skate wheels that stick out from the body: Dude, the 70’s called and they want their tacky styling back. Cheap cars are just that - cheap cars - and no chrome rim is going to make it look like anything other than a cheap car with shiny rims. But hey - now that your car handles like a brick in a swimming pool, it’s cool - right?

7. Pickup truck with 20+ inch rims: Curiously, there was once a time when pickup trucks were used for hauling things around. Once the dominion of contractors and farmers, pickup trucks have now ebbed their way into the urban consciousness of the “I think I’m cool” crowd. So you’ve got a vehicle with a leaf-spring suspension, the slick styling of a dumpster and the cornering ability of a greased flagpole. Why not throw good money at bad, and pretend that it’s really a high performance track vehicle in disguise?

8. Chevy SSR: Ugly, fugly, Jesus-McChrist-I-fell-out-of-the-ugly-tree-and-hit-every-branch king of ugly. We don’t need the top down to see the drivers’ bald spot.

9. Volkswagen Phaeton: Hold the phone, Ethel. A Volkswagen in Mike’s most hated vehicle list? The Phaeton *is* a good vehicle, I’m sure … but can you imagine spending that ungodly amount of money on a luxury sedan, and being stuck in the same service waiting room as a bunch of gum-smacking teenagers getting their Beetle fixed? I expect serious ass-kissing when I spend $60K+ on a car.

10. No list would be complete without the minivan. Any old minivan will suffice here, because I think they’re all heaps. First things first: these must represent *the* worst used vehicle purchase in the world. Why, you ask? Show me the owner that babies his or her minivan, and I’ll show you a certifiable nutcase. Minivans are appliances to be used and abused, and when you’ve got 8 year old softball teams piling in and out of them, you can bet the farm that the vehicle is getting beaten to high ratshit. Minivans suffer from all of the usual chronic vehicle ailments: copious door dings, the dragged-scratches over the rear bumper from people too lazy to pick their shit up, squeaky engines that despirately need a new fan belt, and the inevitable faded bumper sticker on the back. I’d like to see a minivan with shiny chrome rims and a lowered suspension, a wing on the roof, and a sticker that says “My kid was expelled from Thomas Jefferson Elementary School”.

Leave a comment about the vehicles you hate, or why I got it all wrong on any of the vehicles above …

5 comments
Posted in Blog
Written on Thu, 22 June 2006 at 7:23 pm

If you liked this post, then consider subscribing to our full RSS feed.